Tale of two Diaries

May,10,1998

Dear Diary,

Today Mommy told me to develop a good habit of writing a diary entry and also told me to continue writing unlike my other habits. Mommy is right though. Last week I told her I wanted a piano because I wanted to learn and become a musician but then after a week of music classes , I dont think I want to be one. I hope to listen to mommy this time and continue writing and telling you all important incidents of my life. You might have missed the first 10 years of my life but not anymore.ok got to sleep. Good night.

Aakash

May 11,1998
Dear Diary,
Today Akash told me that he started writing a diary because his Mom told him to. I thought it was a good idea. So I decided I will do the same. It was hard getting a diary though from Mom. So will a notebook count ?I will cover it with brown paper and put a label , so I will treat you with utmost respect. I dont know how a diary should work but I will learn more from akash and then write more. As of now I dont know what to write except that the maths miss keeps calling me in class to solve problems and I dont know maths at all.

Akash always answers in class and i keep wondering how he knows so much you know. But then his parents are very well educated. My parents are educated too but i dont think so much. And my dad doesnt have time to teach me you know. My mom doesnt like maths too. i hope I dont fail or something. My friend told me that if you fail one subject, we will be made to do 5th standard again. I dont want to sit with fourth standard kids. THey dont know any of the cool games we play.

Ok I have to go now. Talk to you later.

Asha

July  25,2003

Dear Diary,

The coolest thing happened in school today. The new babe Aditi came to my class to talk to Asha. I guess they are friends. Boy was I thrilled to see her. She was a true beauty. Atleast that is what every other guy thought and said. I went to Asha and asked her to introduce her to me. I mean come on what are friends for huh

Asha gave me the typical exasperated girl look and accepted. Of course she did. She was a nice friend. I would not say we were the best of pals or anything. But she is nice and we get along. I dont know if i will remember or miss her once I leave school. But she is a nice girl I think.

But Aditi oh man, she looks great. And when Asha introduced me to her I was in seventh heaven. The better thing than meeting Aditi was the look on the other guy’s faces. Boy, were they pissed. I felt good. Like this cool dude or something you know. Well who said 10th standard isnt fun. It sure it is,atleast for me. I am definitely asking Aditi out. Definitely. Its gonna be rocking man.

More later Diary dude!

Aakash

July 25,2003

Dear Diary,

Today Akash asked me to introduce him to Aditi, the new girl who has come to the next section. I dont know if I felt bad about it or not. She is very cute, probably way cuter than I can ever imagine to be. I am not that bad looking though, but no competition to Aditi. But I did feel wierd. Anyways it was nothing I could explain, so i went ahead and introduced them.

Aakash( I never knew that is how he spelt it) has always been nice to me. He and his parents are really nice people.I have never been an extrovert. I am always in my own shell. I dont know how to get out of it. Its not that I dont try. I really do. But then when I do try , this huge big deafening silence hits me, and its like it blocks my mind, and I have no clue what to say next and I am more than happy to retreat in to my happy place.I guess I cant blame him for not taking a huge interest in me. Well I wonder if my life will ever change.

Asha

September 20th 2005

Dear Diary,

I am glad Aditi and I worked things out. I was glad to get out the realtionship, if I can call it that. Well yeah it was fun going out with the hottest girl in the class. But  it was not so much fun being with someone who was so stupid. That was just the word. It was not as though she was character personified with no brains. It was as though God had sucked out all traces of character out of her before sending her down to earth.

Anyways like i said this was a blessing in disguise. I had my board exams and my IIT entrance exams ahead of me. The last thing I wanted was an attention seeking dumb girl bothering me all the time. i know i was all exciting in the begininng but I guess it was because, more than Aditi I liked the idea of being the guy whom everyone else was jealous about.Well I guess one learns from mistakes .

Having said that, before I wrote today’s entry I read the entry I wrote about meeting Aditi the first day. I found that I wrote about Asha. Asha left school after 10th to study in a state board school. I guess it was because she wanted a better score to get in to Tamil Nadu’s stupid engineering schools. Anyways I did miss her a little. Asha was like this little puppy who was always around to help me in about anything. I dont mean anything disrespectful or anything. Its just that it was wierd that someone who has always been around was suddenly missing. Maybe one gets so comfortable with having them around that we miss them only when they are not around.

Well hopefully I meet Asha again.It would be nice to have her back.

Aakash

October 10th 2005

Dear Diary,

Its a new school, new set of people and the same me. Still scared to make the first move and make friends.Fortunately for me few people from my old school came to the same school and I took shelter under thier wings. Its been a  year now and I have some good friends here. I did manage to make friends, not because of me but purely because of other outgoing ,friendly, really sweet poeple .

I saw aakash’s mom today on the way back from school. Such a nice lady she was. She rememberd everything about me and my parents and spoke really well to me. She also said Aakash spoke about me sometimes.

I felt a small tinge of what you can call delight. So Aaakash remembers me. People do remember me. contrary to what I think, I do not fade away with time . That made me really happy, that I was worthy of being remembered. Not always a face in a crowd right.

I hope I see Aakash again.It would be nice. Definitely.

Asha

To be continued.

Purpose-Less

“It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us. That guide us. That drive us. It is purpose that defines. Purpose that binds us.We’re not here because we’re free; we’re here because we’re not free. There’s no escaping reason, no denying purpose, because as we know, without purpose, we would not exist”

-Matrix

I do not dispute this simply because I do not have strong grounds for doing so. But it does makes me wonder.

Why are so we bent on having a purpose ? Why is a purpose so important ? Because we can tell ourselves that the lives we lead are meanigful? Because at the end of something we tell ourselves that this is what we were destined to do. ? I do not know. I am questioning it.

If reason is allmighty , do we just believe in reason, not knowing what or in which form it exists. Is it just faith? That is how I will equate all mighty. And if it is so, then does that not contradict the entire meaning of reason. It does not make sense to me to say that , there is a reason , just that you dont know it and Oh! by the way, you can search all you want and still wont find it. Its not reason then. Its just faith.Call it that, and I will gladly agree cause I believe in faith. If you consider reason as you religion, i would be more than happy to accept it.

Why does one need purpose? And if one indeed has a purpose who decided what a purpose is. At one time  the best software was supposed to be the one which had the most features not necessarily the most easy to use or flexible, but just a number. Is the perception of a good purpose that? So is it a good purpose if you had to go to combodia and work for children welfare and poor one if you work in a software firm in India?

I dont think you need a purpose, but I think you need the power of perception and integrity . Maybe they lead to purpose, maybe they dont. As long as you think your actions can bring a smile to another person, you probably have a purpose. And going by the whole purpose bug, maybe sitting in a corner of a temple and begging was a person’s purpose if you believe in the whole theory of paying for the sins in your previous births.

You do not need purpose to make you feel that your life is meaningful. You do not need to encode and decode the reason for every single step you make in your life. All you need to know is that one step or atleast a few steps that you take make a difference to someone. All you need to know is that you do not consciously hurt someone. All you need to know is you are committed to your sense of right and wrong.

You do not need a purpose. Maybe we were never meant to have a purpose, Maybe it is an illusion to make you do good and live a contented life. Or maybe it is something to  befuddle you and take you through a wild goose chase.

There’s no escaping reason, no denying purpose, if  reason is your FAITH”

Miracle Maker

Those who believe in them expect them to happen

and

Those who dont wish they would happen

The story is Miracle Maker

Constant change

Its been a really long time since I did this. The whole so what is your perspective thing.

Events that happened recently have been wanting me to pen down this and see what others think. Cause that’s the only way you know if you think just like the others or you just forgot to collect your brains from god when he sent you down.

So change, we have seen it, we have even studied about it and most of all witnessed it and never get amazed at it. You go to a place after a long time and you immediately go ” Wow so many things have changed”. Or you see this kid after some 5 years and you are like ” Oh my god, you have changed, look at you all grown up” . Duh! What else do you expect.

In a way we all expect change but it just becomes to hard to accept it. So what it is that makes it hard to accept change? People change , thier priorities change, their attitudes change. Why is it so hard to accept it then ?

And when is change good ? does it make sense when you forget your basic manners because you think you hit lottery and you never need you friends in life? Does it make sense to forget old friends because you got a new thing going on in your life? Does it make sense to forget what civility is ?

If the above things have a negative connotation to it, it was not intended. I guess what is wrong to me can be right to another person. Quite obviously that’s why is always 2 sides to a coin.But as an individual how should we cope with change ? What the things to follow to both succumb to change that happens to you and accept people’s ways with you because of change? What is acceptable and what is not?

My theory is

You cant fight it. Grow with it. Dont loose your roots. Try not to hurt people around you consiously. Then I think you are good. Its no Gandhi , its probably what our parents taught us growing up.

For accepting it, unless others who have fallen prey to change really badly go overboard and begin to really piss you off, give them the benefit of the doubt. They probably have a reason to do what they are doing.Give them a chance.

Like I said, pen down your thoughts. Cause if I indeed did leave my brains behind, I need to do serious damage control!!

Tagged #

So a saturday morning before I start studying for the most dreaded of my subjects operations mangement, I see Bg’s blog and lo! I am tagged. i am ecstatic at the opportunity of delaying my studying by another half an hour. Here goes….

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?
Taare Zameen Par.Brilliant. Music was mind blowing.

2. What book are you reading?

Just finished Kite runner. One sitting 6 hours. Simply superb.

3. Favorite board game?

Ludo.My grandma always used to beat me in this.

4. Favorite magazine?
India Today . Star dust(gossip )

5. Favorite smells?
I am not a perfume person. So it would have to be coffee, petrol,mann vasanai.

6. Favorite sounds?
THe strings of veena. Especially on Rajesh Vaidhya’s. Check this out

7. Worst feeling in the world?
Not knowing what I really want.
8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Damn! I have to get up

9. Favorite fast food place?
Gangothree!
10. Future child’s name?
I haven’t really thought about it. i believe in taking baby steps. At least they save you from a heart break.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?”

Shop till I drop. Seriously I would like to start an organization for education underprivileged kids,Maybe support Smile

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Yes I do. I have so many of them at home and even here. Here you see dooby and simba!!

14. Storms – cool or scary?
As long as I am safe locked away in my house and look at the storm through the window, maybe cool.

16. Favorite drink?
Pepsi and now recently slurpee. I am addicted to them!

17. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?
Join and work for a child welfare organization or better start one.

18. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
I hate broccoli.

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
Probably streaks of brown.

20. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?
Chennai,Tucson

21. Favorite sports to watch?
i like cricket. I don’t remeber in which ball in which year in which stadium in which color dress did sachin hit a sixer and stuff. But i like watching the game and I follow it.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
Is gonna stay in india for 3 months! i am jealous.

23. What’s under your bed?
Tons of things. I just push them inside while my room makes a weak attempt to look neat

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Maybe, with a little more clarity though.

25. Morning person, or night owl?
Morning.I feel good if i get up early and get work done. Never happens though

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?
I hate eggs!

27. Favorite place to relax?
Snuggling up in my comforter in my bed with a book in hand.

28. Favorite pie?
Not really a pie person.

29. Favorite ice cream flavor?
Well the list could go on. Nevetheless Butterscotch,Pista,Mango,Watermelon sorbet,Mint,Rainbow sundae,Bubblegum…Anything ice creamy

30. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?
Anu and Rahul

i am tagging : Anu,Rahul.(Duh!)

(Un)Real

The darkness that swept him was suddenly attacked by a blinding white light thus bringing both the darkness and his dream to an end. He awoke from his dream, a nightmare to be precise. His dream showed him a world where he had everything that should make any man’s life heaven. Instead he found himself feeling jealous of a bunch of poor guys sitting around and making jokes having fun.blessed with all his ambitions coming true, he still longed to know what bliss meant. Maybe his ambitions were all wrong, he thought. What did I want? Money? Acknowledgement? A family? But dont I have all of that? Why am I still longing for more?

He knew the answer. Even in his dream . He just owned them, like owning an item to just claim that you have one too.Like something that decorates his living room. He had them all, but he never felt them. He never let them perform thier true duty of bringing happiness to him. He never had the time for any of them. He never gave away the money he had to others, he never spent time with his family or his kids. He almost never was present for his daughter’s birthday parties. The once morose kid soon grew up to realize that her dad would never have time for her and hence did the same to him.Never had time for him.

He spoke, never without a reason. He smiled, never without a reason. He would do anything, never without a reason. He lived,without a reason though.He thought he had a one,even for the monotonous life he lead.But his dream proved him wrong. He was just a body with all the functioning parts working performing a regular routine every other day. His dream taught him the reality. It taught him how not to be in life. It taught him to smile just becasue he felt like it. It taught him to spend time with the lesser priviledged, because they taught him how to live.He figured out what it was to actually live.It was to make time.For him, for the people he loved.

He figured out how to live until

“Don’t you have that big board meeting today,Wake up” . He heard his wife telling him.

He opened his eyes for a minute not realizing which was reality.

He knew the answer soon. Reality cheated him. Just like what he kept doing to reality.

p.s: Many of you may find my thoughts redundant. I plead guilty. But the idea of the post was the dream. hope you guys got that.